PLEASE DON’T EAT THE FLOWERS – A Guided Tour by Paul Hagen
URSULA is leading a tour group through a botanical garden that is richly arrayed with a rich variety of flora.
URSULA: Please don’t eat the flowers, though the daisies look delicious,
And, I dare say the nasturtium seem like they might be nutritious,
It’s can be hard to see the snapdragons and stop salivating,
Every day not-eating edelweiss is so frustrating.
The hyacinths might make you hungry, you may crave a crocus,
And sometimes the hibiscus seems to casts some hocus pocus,
So, overall, please resist the allure of amaryllis;
The way all must struggle with some urges when they fill us.
URSULA begins to nuzzle flowers and rub them against her face.
You may be tempted, yes, to give the lavender a lick,
To feed upon the freesia even if it makes you sick,
To snack on some geraniums like you were eating supper
Or how divine it is to dine on dahlias – that’s an upper!
Don’t make a meal of marigolds — though, wouldn’t that be great?
Or ramming in as many mum as you can masticate?
So don’t suck on sunflowers, not even on the seeds;
Keep saying to yourself: this isn’t what my body really needs!
URSULA begins actively eating the flowers. Someone from the tour group heads off to seek help.
‘Cause sometimes binging on begonias feels like what you want –
That or you devouring daffodils, despite those that will taunt
You for ingesting irises and trying to taste tulips
It’s sort of just like ordering up mint-but-hold-the-juleps.
What can I say? Some simply have an appetite for asters!
And when it comes to scillas, well, their stomachs are their masters!
They’d could consume cockscomb or forage for foxglove for hours!
So though they look delightful, dammit, please don’t eat the flowers!
URSULA is a mess, with petals all over her face, hair and dress. The member of the tour group who left returns with a pair of SECURITY GUARDS. She points to URSULA, as if to say “That’s the one.” They each take one of her arms, though as they drag her off, she keeps desperately grabbing at blossoms and trying to shove them in her mouth as LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK.