We are in the makeshift classroom TRUDY has created in her home. Several other mothers sit in rows made of seating borrowed from all over the house and garage. As light rise, BEVERLY, seated, has her hand raised.
TRUDY
All right – next questions!
(TRUDY uses her oversize pointer to call on BEVERLY.)
BEVERLY
Well, uh, I was just wondering, you know, what to do if they challenge your authority?
TRUDY
It’s not enough to disagree.
You have to do it forcefully –
To have the will to take a stand,
And – ‘scuse my French – the Left be damned:
The moment you spot bad behavior
Make them kneel and ask their savior
Speak into the universe:
“God, reverse this awful curse!”
And if you hear his voice get high
Deny him water ’til he’s dry,
Just watch how rough and tough he’ll speak
With not a drop for a full week.
And when you see him getting sloppy
With those wrists all fey and floppy
Wrap them in each up in a splint.
They’ll firm up. He’ll get the hint.
And if you catch him mincing by
Remind him to walk like a guy
Make him join other boys at sports
‘Til he’s less swishy in his shorts.
But if you find him in your heels
You let him see how bad it feels
And make him wear them day and night.
He’ll see what we put up with, right?
(TRUDY cackles maniacally and then stop very suddenly.)
What’s helpful is that most kids are cruel
And they’ll make him feel like a fool
They’ll undermine all his successes
If they hear him lisp his S’s.
And then you do your very best
To keep up with all the rest:
Don’t want him to miss the prom?
Get on up and find the mom
Of some field-hockey playing mare
Say: “You’re going!” Take them there!
If you must, then stay all night.
Chaperon with all your might!
Sure, maybe they won’t fall in love,
But, by the will of God above,
You’ll have the pictures! Have it all:
You’ll have a son who’s masculine,
Who has not been led into sin:
And being butch he’ll be a whiz,
And never be… the way he is.
(TRUDY looks around, as if daring any of the other mothers to object.)
All right, next question!
Hands shoot up, and TRUDY swings her pointer around, pondering whom to choose next as lights fade to black.
World of Hagen 