WHO’S GOT FAKE BOOBS?
(a short play by Paul Hagen)
Lights up on the set of “WHO’S GOT FAKE BOOBS?” Everything looks like boobs. The host and two contestant podia are topped with boobs, which have flashing red lights inset into the nipples. Behind all this stand two enormous boobs, with holes at the center in which models can pose. These are the “Boobs in Question.”
At the host podium stands MATT GURRY, wearing a slim fitted suit and sporting a pompadour of impressive vitality. At the contestant podia stand two college students: TYLER, a musclular frat boy, and ENID, a crunchy granola hippie.
GURRY
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another stimulating episode of “Who’s Got Fake Boobs?” I’m your host Matt Gurry, and I think we should get right to it and look at pair — of contestants. To the right is a 21-year-old, still-Undeclared Junior – it’s Tyler!
TYLER freaks out, hooting and hollering.
TYLER
Yeah!
GURRY
Tyler, have you seen any nice boobs lately?
TYLER
Hell, yeah!
GURRY
And where would that be?
TYLER
On the Internet, man. Porn is free!
TYLER freaks out all over again.
GURRY
And don’t forget the left one — she’s a Sophomore specializing in women’s studies — it’s Enid!
ENID
I just want to state for the record that I am here to protest the very fact that this show exists.
GURRY
Well aren’t you fun? Now that we’ve met our contestants, I think it’s time for us to bring out a few more special pairs. Please direct your attention to the Boobs in Question where you’ll see the beautiful Sheila and Sheena!
SHEILA and SHEENA pop up in the holes in the Boobs in Question. They are topless, busty blondes. The studio audience goes wild.
GURRY
Looking stacked, ladies! Be careful or you’ll knock somebody’s eye out!
SHEILA and SHEENA giggle girlishly and pose. TYLER hoots. ENID rolls her eyes.
GURRY
Well, I hope you’ve washed your hands, contestants, because Round One is all about feeling the merchandise.
TYLER
Yeah!!!
ENID
This is disgusting.
GURRY
Really, Enid? Exactly what part of this is disgusting? Having boobs?
ENID
No.
GURRY
Appreciating boobs?
ENID
But we’re not just appreciating them – we’re “inspecting” them!
GURRY
Well I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it’s a good thing your doctor doesn’t have that problem.
ENID’s mouth hangs open.
GURRY
Now let’s head on over to those boobs!
To the sound of a ticking clock, TYLER and ENID approach SHEILA and SHEENA. TYLER makes an exaggerated show of pawing SHEILA’S boobs until ENID hurries him along, and he does the same thing to SHEENA. ENID very gently touches one of each set of breasts. The clock buzzes and the contestants return to their podia.
GURRY
Well, contestants, now that you’ve gotten to second base, it’s time for you to tell me: WHO’S GOT FAKE BOOBS?!
The audience excitedly chimes in with GURRY and then cheers.
GURRY
Tyler?
TYLER
Well I just want to say that it was a very tough decision because you’ve both got beautiful boobs, but my guess is that Sheila has the fake ones.
GURRY
And Enid?
ENID
Well I just want to say that it’s OBVIOUS that Sheila has the fake ones.
GURRY
So, ladies, will the girl with the fake boobs please shake them vigorously?
After sharing a sneaky look with one another, SHEILA stands up and shakes her boobs.
GURRY
It’s Sheila! That means you’re both right! Good job, contestants and thank you, ladies!
SHEILA and SHEENA exit.
GURRY
That means we’re all tied up as we move into round two, and don’t blink because it’s time to figure out if seeing is believing. Tyler and Enid, meet Daphne and Darlene.
DAPHNE and DARLENE, two busty, cocoa-skinned beauties, appear in the holes of the Boobs in Question.
GURRY
Stay where you are contestants because this time around, you’re going to be making your decisions with your eyes alone. So, contestants, take a good long look and then tell me WHO’S GOT FAKE BOOBS?
The audience chants the title with GURRY and freaks out. DAPHNE and DARLENE gently shake their boobs as we hear the sound of a ticking clock and then a buzzer.
GURRY
All right, contestants, we’ll need your answers. Tyler?
TYLER
Well, I just want to say that you both have really great boobs and I’m sorry we won’t be touching them this round, but I’m gonna go ahead and guess that Darlene is the one with the fake boobs.
GURRRY
Enid? Are you seeing what he’s seeing?
ENID
Well, I just want to say that I can’t believe how degrading this show is.
GURRY
Really? Do you feel degraded?
ENID
I do.
GURRY
Tyler, do you feel degraded?
TYLER
Hell, no!
GURRY
Daphne and Darlene, do you feel degraded?
DAPHNE and DARLENE shake their heads and boobs “No” and giggle.
GURRY
Sheila and Sheena do you feel degraded?
SHEILA and SHEENA flounce back on and shake their heads and boobs “No” and giggle.
GURRY
And, of course, as a game show host, I am constitutionally incapable of registering degradation. So that makes six out of the seven of us who are just fine with what’s going on here. Do you have a guess, Enid?
ENID
Well – I mean – obviously is is Daphne who has the fake boobs.
GURRY
One for Daphne and one for Darlene: but which of these Double D’s started out as busy Bs?
DAPHNE and DARLA wait a moment and then Daphne shakes her boobs to identify herself.
GURRY
Yes, it’s Daphne! Which, I’m sorry, Tyler, means that you have been eliminated.
DAPHNE and DARLA exit the Boobs in Question and each take one of Tyler’s arms.
TYLER
Hey, man. That’s okay.
DAPHNE and DARLA escort TYLER off.
GURRY
That means, Enid, you’ll be moving on to our grand prize round!
The audience applauds madly. SHEILA and SHEENA approach ENID, holding long, silky, black scarves. SHEILA uses one to blindfold ENID, while SHEENA binds Enid’s hands.
ENID
Excuse me. Can I ask what all this is for?
GURRY
I’m so glad you asked, Enid. It’s for round three – in which you’ll be deciding which of two beautiful women has fake boobs – using only your mouth!
BECKY and BUNNY, two vivacious redheads appear in the Boobs in Question. The audience freaks all the way out.
ENID
I’m sorry. Look. This has gone way too far. I showed up here to make a point. Clearly I am not making the point. So I’m going to ask you to please untie me.
GURRY
You do realize that you will be forfeiting a prize package valued at over $5,000.
ENID
I guess I’ll just have to live with that.
GURRY
To Tyler!
TYLER is escorted back on by DAPHNE and DARLA. ENID is not a fan of this idea.
ENID
Oh.
GURRY
Before you officially resign, may I ask you, Enid, very genuinely: What’s so wrong with touching another woman’s boobs with your mouth?
ENID
Actually, I don’t have a problem with that in theory.
GURRY
And have you never enjoyed it when other people have put their mouths on your boobs?
ENID
You know, what? I have. Just not – you know – strangers.
GURRY
Hmm… And could you be under the impression that it’s not enjoyable just be because you’ve never tried it?
ENID
I… uh…
GURRY
Tyler, do you enjoy addressing the boobs of strangers with your mouth?
TYLER
I was actually doing that just before we came back out here.
GURRY
Daphne and Darlene, do you like having strangers’ mouths on your boobs?
DAPHNE AND DARLENE giggle, nod, and shake their boobs up-and-down “Yes.”
GURRY
Sheila and Sheena? Do you?
SHEILA AND SHEENA giggle, nod and shake their boobs up-and-down “Yes.”
GURRY
Becky and Bunny?
BECKY and BUNNY giggle, nod and shake their boobs up-and-down “Yes.”
GURRY
And of course I have a long-held policy of ONLY putting my mouths on the boobs of strangers; so that makes eight out of nine of us who are totally okay with what’s going on here. Feel like giving it a try before you judge it?
ENID
I guess that would be the open minded thing to do.
SHEILA and SHEENA lead ENID over to the Boobs in Question. There – as we hear the sound of a ticking clock – she tongues tentatively at first BECKY, then BUNNY, then BECKY again, finally really going to town on both of them. The clock buzzes and ENID turns around.
GURRY
Well, Enid. It’s time to give us your final answer. Say it with me now, audience: WHO’S GOT FAKE BOOBS?!
ENID
The one on the left!
GURRY
That’s Becky. Becky, is Enid right? Do you have fake boobs?
BECKY giggles coyly for a moment before jumping up and down with excitement!
GURRY
She does! That means Enid’s our winner! She really knows her boobs!
Music plays! Thousands of boob-shaped ballons fall from the sky! The audience goes mad. SHEILA and SHEENA remove the scarves from ENID
ENID
Wow! I never win anything! Gee, I know I’ve been kind of giving you a hard time but this is actually kind of cool. What do I win?
GURRY
You win fake boobs!
A DOCTOR enters, holding a scalpel, accompanied by a sexy NURSE. He holds the scalpel up in celebration and then uses it to start popping boob balloons. ENID is not pleased.
GURRY
Well that’s all the time we have here today, but join us again next time on – WHO’S GOT FAKE BOOBS!
The audience chants along, cheering wildly.
GURRY
Thanks, everybody – and, hey, don’t forget to spay and neuter the poor.
LIGHTS OUT. END OF PLAY.
World of Hagen 