As evidenced by its prominent sign, we have returned to the Dunne & Donnegan School of Songwriting – with its stool, microphone stands and a bale of hay. For the first time, we see both grizzled old DUNNE and sparkly middle-aged DOTTY take the stage together, each warmly greeting the crowd but warily keeping their distance from one another.
DOTTY
Well, hey, again!
DUNNE
It’s been a long day.
DOTTY
But a good day here with you songwriters – some of you just starting out, some of you working on perfecting your craft.
DUNNE
Some of you just trying to find a way to stave off the loneliness of another long night driving down empty roads to nowhere.
DOTTY
And speaking of nights, we thought there’d be no better way to send you off to dreamland than with a lullaby – from both of us to all of y’all.
DUNNE begins to play the guitar to the tune of “What’ll I Do?”
DUNNE
Quarter to two and I can’t sleep again
Though I’d like to
Quarter to two
DOTTY
I tried warm milk and counting sheep and then
Some pills of blue
Quarter to two
DUNNE and DOTTY
And every tick of my alarm clock threatens
Another day with you
DOTTY
Maybe I’ll just stay up.
DUNNE
Enjoy the quiet.
DOTTY
At dawn, get up and do.
DUNNE
Maybe I’ll stay.
DOTTY
Or go.
DUNNE
For now, don’t know.
DOTTY
It’s just so slow…
DUNNE and DOTTY
Quarter to two…
DUNNE continues to play as he speaks.
DUNNE
Dotty, there’s something I’ve been trying to get up the courage to say to you for a long time. I understand there were times in the past when I might have seemed unfair to you; when I was jealous because my star was on the wane and yours, well, had not waned quite so much yet; when you left my show and I sued you for everything you were worth and then there was that unfortunate automobile accident involving your late husband…
DOTTY
I’m sure some of these people have bar stools they need to get warming, if you got a point brewing in there, Mr. Dunne…
DUNNE
My point is that I’m done letting petty things like fame and money get in the way of loving you, and I don’t wanna be alone next time I see the clock turn quarter to two. I wanna roll over and see you sleeping right there beside me. Or, you know, in the kitchen making a sandwich. Or peeing.
DOTTY
Well, buddy, I sure do appreciate you surprising me with this in front of a crowd, as you have chosen to do several times now. And as I have done several times, I’m just gonna remind you that you are why I have been so deeply unhappy for so much of my life and I wouldn’t come within a mule’s length of you if I didn’t need the money to pay the legal fees accrued from fighting your many frivolous lawsuits.
DUNNE stops playing.
DUNNE
Did I really do all that?
DOTTY takes away his guitar.
DOTTY
Damn right you did. And that’s gonna be all from us folks. Once again I’m Dotty Donnegan, reminding you that achieving senility is no excuse for all the horrible things you did along the way.
DOTTY marches offstage. DUNNE is left staring in confusion at the audience as lights fade to black.
World of Hagen 